答えはきっとひとつじゃない

2012-02-12T22:57:00.000+08:00

tucking in my grandmother to sleep can often be an amusing process. her words sometimes come across as paranoid, but sometimes she sounds just like a child.

tucking in my grandmother can sometimes be so heart-rending. to have lost so much of one's mental faculties... it's just... i certainly can't imagine myself in that situation.

in fact, i can't imagine myself even living to that age.

scratch that.

i recently realized that i've always thought that i'd die young. i don't know how young, but i certainly don't expect to live past my 40th birthday. i've never imagined myself that far ahead.

and this believe that i'll only have a short time on earth has coloured the choices i've made, the decisions i've taken.

like...
what use health, if i'm just going to die in an accident that has nothing to do with the state of my health?
what use wealth, if i won't live to retirement age, when one will supposedly have enough time to enjoy their earnings?

but maybe it's time to think:
what if i don't die until well into my dotage?
where will i be? who will be there?
for sure, another thing i can't imagine is who will be by my death bed. for a person who thinks she'll die young, i bizarrely still think my closest family will all go before me. that rules them out then.
and for the life (death!) of me, i can't come up with a single person who will be there.

mostly because i strongly believe at the end of the day that everyone is self-serving. and certainly, most of the kids that i've taken to aren't the types who'll look back and remember me. especially the dearest of them all.

but that's a story for another day.

in the meantime, i think i need to put up big signs around me to remind myself:

'What if I DON'T die young?'

2011-12-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

a few weeks ago, while cleaning up the room, i found these lines, written on slips of paper, folded into stars, stuck inside several products of modular origami, in a process i recorded in a previous post.

i found it again entirely by accident, but it was in good time, as it was almost one year since i did that.

in the order i opened the stars, they read:

Peace, so I can appreciate the little things in life.

Laughter and tears, so I'll know I'm alive, and that life is ALWAYS worth living.

Happiness, so I don't ever need to dread what the next day might bring.

Wealth, enough to meet my needs, and a little extra for things I want.

Contentment, with the lot that has been dealt me

Health, so I can go anywhere and everywhere without worry.

Strength, mentally and emotionally, for the challenges that I inevitably will face.

Love, with one who loves me and takes me as I am, ALWAYS.

it was written in a different time, by a different person, but somehow, i think...
they still hold true.

i can't remember now whether i wrote them as a prayer or a resolution, or just wishes. a bit of all, most likely. or, knowing me, i was purposely being ambiguous, so that they will hold true for a long time. and they do.

i don't know if i'll just rewrite them and put them away in the box for another year. or write something new. or not write at all.

for me, the important thing about this is that, reading these words from the past, i feel like i've come a long way in the healing process. interesting to note though, that the last message i opened is the one that's furthest from fulfillment.

anyway. it's just another year, it's the same passage of time. it's just a way of marking time so we'll have points of reference~

for RM15.75, one can get..

2011-11-10T01:08:00.000+08:00

a total reversal of mood! all, within one hour~

i must confess that tonight i've feel exceptionally low. it's like everything's bogged down.

1- a sort of cold war between my aunt and my mom about me supposedly buying insurance from someone else (my aunt's an insurance seller)
2- popo acting up the past week, refusing vitamins when i give them to her, and refusing to get into the car with me
3- this one particular student which i still don't know what motivates him. and others who can do so much better if they only practice/listen carefully.
4- me having a fit of pique after a certain chat session. well, old issue that always rears up its head once in awhile.
5- lies and misunderstandings that could've been cleared up if only one party just spoke up instead of dragging it on.
6- that school and certain members of its staff who would lie.

that last one really brought me to my boiling point.

and well, i guess the combination of my feelings over all those, plus the fact that i've not had a proper day off in three weeks at least, and the feeling of uselessness when i attempted my theory homework.

all of them contributed to me feeling lower than low. and i caved. at first all i intended was a chat. and well, was hoping to skype. but celcom as always being a bitch ruled that out. but somehow, i just really really need to well.. not talk, per se, but have someone take my mind off things.

and really, there's just one person i know now that knows exactly what i need. so i called. and we karaoked. yeah. started with something slow. then something sad. and progressed to the ridiculous and then the happy.

and i guess when i feel miserable from now, all i need to do is pull out 'sweet child o' mine'~

conclusion, from having tears silently streaming down my face in the beginning, now, my jaw aches from smiling.

as always, my deepest gratitude.

on an aside, sometimes, this song feels like you and me. and i don't know what that means. and if i'm perfectly honest, i'd say that i'm actually afraid, which means that i'm not gonna look into it. i'll just leave this as a hint of things that'll never be.

2011-10-14T08:26:00.000+08:00

the way i look at it, it's simple.

between no problem era, and problematic era, what's the difference?

no matter how i go about it, it always comes back to this:

the additional presence.

which then means that it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find out what the catalyst actually is.

memories~

2011-10-10T20:31:00.000+08:00

you gave me a bar of TimeOut once. but i never got to eat it. someone stole it from the Irinah fridge.

you gave me this decorative piece a long time ago. i still have it, and at night sometimes i turn it on, look at it revolve on its stand, with the multi-coloured lights.

i can't listen to the fray without thinking of that mad day.

this is an older memory, but i do still remember those times you tried to cheer me up in the studio.

when i get angry at you for being insensitive, i just have to call up memories of those time when you showed you care. in your own way~

a really long time ago, you gave me this key chain, two plastic transparent swans, arranged so that they make a heart with their heads and necks.

you gave me this thing made out of two ribbons that used to be so super popular at that time. i still remember the colours. red and blue.

i remember the day i got news that you died trying to save that kid from the overflowing river.
i remember the anger i had directed against this teacher because he dared to say something negative about you, not even a month after you died.

i remember our bicycle races, which i almost always won~ heh.

i remember going to your house with the excuse to borrow books, but really, it's just to get more chance to tease you.

i started playing violin because of you.

i started to like sunflowers after you bought me one from your class trip to cameron highlands. i loved it because it showed thoughtfulness. everyone else got roses and cacti~

but i remember the day i realized that i'm a better violin player than you, though i've been learning just a year and you 3 years.

and i remember how worried i was when you were beaten up at the dorms and was sent home to recover from your cracked ribs.

and i remember when a friend took me aside and told me you're gay.
i still liked you. but it did hurt.

i remember going to that music camp at a'famosa resort. you were wonderful.

i remember sitting in that room, listening to you play those 'finger exercises', especially when i'm moody. it just fits.

i remember having a crush on you, but knowing you liked someone else, i never told. *at least i think i didnt!*

i remember you being my first crush, ever.

i remember thinking you were so good at BM you put me to shame~

i remember us going to that english competition. i offered you strepsils, and you gave the wrapper back to me, with a note written on it.

i remember you were at that music camp too.

i remember you being kind, and us gossiping on our bus trips back to perak.

i remember teasing you with 'secret admirer' notes in your locker.

i remember sitting by the side of theatrette 6, when you came over and we just talked.
i wish i can remember what about. but i still remember the feeling.

i remember you sitting at that desk, studying sejarah.

i remember feeling so proud of your during that drama competition, where we huddled under the blankets.

i think i'll always remember that day when you saved our classmate from embarrassment. how you understood that her monthly 'friend' came, and how you convinced the guys in our class to go out. so she can escape back to the dorms.

i remember you persuading me to go to our batch dinner, but i still changed my mind at the last minute.
i'm still sorry about that, by the way.

i remember how the two of you. no, the three of you all avoided me when you somehow got wind that i had crushes on you. on separate occasions, of course.
what you didn't know that it was never serious for me. i just like to observe people, and some i like to observe more than the others. gave me something to look forward to every day.

but it turned serious to me when you started ignoring/avoiding me. really, i would never have made a move. but by avoiding me, you guys hurt me in a way that i still can cry about now. and believe me, those were pretty deep wounds, and the scars won't leave.

i'm still glad that i called one of you out on it. if only because you hurt me most.

i can still remember sitting underneath that table, trying not to cry.

i remember how you tease me about liking this senior. i never understood how his name came up. the only explanation i can think of, even now, is that he shares a name with my brother.

i remember you talking about 'dewi' add maths.

i remember what a miserable day i had, on my birthday, when somehow you popped up and managed to cheer me up just like that.

you know, i wish we can make a pact that if neither of use are married when you reach 35, we marry~ =P
failing that, i'll be honoured to be the honourary aunt~ =)

i remember you singing/playing 'look after you' for me from continents away.

the lady who catches you heart and gives you hers is a lucky person indeed. that's what i've always thought.

and you know, for most of you mentioned here, i remember being your relationship advisor. in some form or another. maybe i really should consider being a counsellor!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

memories may fade. most of them do. but for me, the things i felt at that time doesn't go away that easily.

for better or worse, they shape me as the person i am.

it's not ideal, some things i wish never happened, but that's not possible, right? i got over the bad parts, not without lasting effects. but i also got over the good parts, also with lasting effect.

i guess.... i don't really know what i'm trying to get to here.

it's just. it feels like a time for remembrance. i haven't met any of you for quite sometime. and one of you i haven't met in 12 years, and will never meet again.

i don't know what kind of person you are right now, but for being the person you were, thank you.

2011-10-05T23:35:00.001+08:00

as always, thank you for listening. and for sharing.
and not letting us drift apart, when it matters.

you rock. and don't forget that.

murky? slurry? misty? foggy?

2011-09-16T23:17:00.001+08:00

feel a bit..... rushed? everywhere. like everything coming thick and fast.

going for cruise with mother and aunt and uncle. departing sunday to penang, onwards to thailand, and back on wednesday. then stay another day in penang.
which means that i need to arrange replacement classes for sunday-thursday. sunday alone can give me headache. and thing is, kids nowadays hardly have any free time. damn.

then popo just fell down again today. 10 stitches. she has to go change the dressing every 2 days and i won't be around. though really, i don't need to, i know i'll worry.

and there the What's After SPM? session with Guerreros. this coming Saturday. and also the presentation of book the following Monday, which, hopefully, someone else can do it, because, really, i hate going onstage in an official capacity.

then there's this offer to head up the project to set up one of the bungalows at kolej as KYSER House. again.... maybe it's just that i refuse to take on huge responsibilities? i basically think of my time as head girl as a failure, really.

the main point is, i'll be away onboard a ship from sunday-wednesday. with no idea if i'll have access to keep me updates with these things, especially the kolej events.

and here i am, contemplating not bringing the laptop. but shit. think i do need it.

time time cam ni la nak ada ipad ke hapah jadah nye gadget pun.

and tomorrow off to work early morning, will only get back 7.15pm at the earliest. shoot off straight to home then. which means i need to be all packed, and the room tidied up, ready to be abandoned for a week.

which means that i need to pack now. only i've got such a mental block i can't even think of what to bring.

damn.

double damn.

argh. don't even know where to start.

ehh.... no use procrastinating any longer though.

get to it!!!

2011-09-16T01:06:00.002+08:00

good day today~
skype call to china~
skype video to india~

damn, i love these kids

2011-09-01T23:49:00.000+08:00

さきでんわをした
１時間の話
まだみじかかった
ちょっと・・なにかがかわるきがした
あなたとわたし
でも、まちがえったかな？

2011-08-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

it's just.. i just..

i just feel so alone tonight.

isolated.

no, the word i'm grappling for is lonely.

i don't get this feeling often. most of the time i feel pretty content on my own.
but this time.
actually, something else has been preying on my mind for a few days. and i just can't get rid of that thought. and the sadness it generates.

i do value honesty more than most things nowadays, but this is one of those things that, for just a moment, i wish i didn't know.
i wish no one told me.

because it's heartbreaking. it's been bleeding since i first heard it.

the only positive i can think of is that... at least i know it now. when things are under control.
if i only got to know later, when things aren't under control, when knowing and not knowing makes a lot of difference....
it'll probably be worse.

i don't know. it's just...

today was a good day

2011-07-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

it has been a good weekend too, actually. went back for the first time this month.

on saturday, Incubus!!!!!
moshing is so much fun when you really know the songs.
i know that sweating releases those happy hormones or whatever it is they're called, but if i have to run to sweat, those happy hormones would be for naught. i just hate running.
so moshing is the awesomest form of exercise to me! seriously. though i was only in the middle of it until about halfway through, still sweated loads until i thought i must've just shampooed my hair, it was that wet.
and when we got to 'i haven't felt the way i feel today in so long it's hard for me to specify', i just really felt those words to my bones.

did manage to land myself almost near the front. like 3rd row-ish. fantastic. just fantastic view.

the best part about saturday was my birthday present.
If Not Now, When? album, signed by Brandon Boyd, addressed to me!
when i got it i was just so overwhelmed i even cried for a bit. seriously. it's hard enough to surprise me during birthdays. but what's even harder is getting me a present i'll LOVE instead of just like. or even worse, when i appreciate the thought put into it.
this was just SO unexpected, SO out of the blue, SO appropriate and SO far-fetched there's no way i won't go nuts over it. which i did. and apparently everyone within the vicinity when i got the present also did.

so yeah. that was saturday.
today was good too.
for a while there i thought i wouldn't have gotten the chance. but somehow i did~
and it was worth it. sure, phone calls and skype are awesome, but nothing beats face-to-face.
but then i'm still greedy because i wished we had more time. because i think both of us, we take time to really get going. so, still not the chats i'd hoped for, but better than the nothing i would've got if things turned out another way.
and well, we, or rather i, ended the day in a kinda crazy way. but it was still worth the extra 4 hours or so worth of time we manage to extend.
well, to me it did.

in conclusion, suffice to say that i'm happy with today. but as always, there's that bit of bittersweetness.

...
sounds like an ad for dark chocolate
maybe that's why i'm acquiring the taste for it~

ダミリへ：
ありがとう、とても楽しかったです。
でも今ちょっとだけさびしい～
いつ会いますか分からないね
とにかく、あの日まで待ってる！

it's complicated

2011-07-18T22:28:00.000+08:00

hi. it's been ages, hasn't it?

i'm just feeling down for a bit. i've been gearing up for a visit ever since 9th july. not to the extent that i had a whole itinerary mapped out, but i was looking forward to spending time, sitting down and having a long chat. because we haven't done that in years. most likely 7 years, actually.

but then i had news that mama might be coming down with me on monday. make no mistake, i like it when she comes down most of the time.. but the timing this time could've been better. i so looked forward to spending that time with someone else. now if it had been anyone else, i wouldn't have minded, but since you don't like this person much, and i know that you don't like this person much, it would be awkward. and it's just... i just wanted this overdue chat, you know? 6-7 years overdue? proper face-to-face chats. phone calls can't compare. not even skype can compare. sigh.

that's one thing.

another thing is, there's an anniversary lunch in the works. i've hated my parents' wedding anniversary since that time. in one way, of course, it's great that they're still married and can celebrate an anniversary after what their marriage's been through.

but i haven't been able to throw away that sense of betrayal. that last time i went all out on your anniversary, got flowers and had a surprise cake ready and everything...

it was supposed to be a beautiful memory, one which i can look back and be proud.
but then... now any time i think about it, all i can think is just that it was a farce.
because at that time you were living a secret life that none of your family knew about.
i was celebrating a lie, really. simple as that.
and that's why i don't wish you happy anniversary anymore.

of course, one doesn't know what'll happen in the future, but not now, not yet. maybe never.

... i'm just still feeling so bummed out.

お久しぶり～

2011-06-08T00:41:00.000+08:00

本当に久しぶりだな
でも今夜どうしても言いたいことがある

「ありがとう」と一言あなたに届けたい
ほんとうにありがとう
悲しいとき、あなたに電話をかけたら絶対元気にらる
こういうムードの時
「どうすればいいか」
あなたがよく知ってる

昔は逆だな
あなたの悲しみ、私が癒された
今、あなたの優しさで私の涙を消して

心から感謝
早く帰って！
デートの約束忘れないでね！
JUSCOで車椅子に座って～

July 23rd

2011-05-26T08:53:00.000+08:00

I have a date with

Incubus

LOVE

it's been awhile

2011-05-19T22:39:00.000+08:00

and this is my entry to not let a month pass by between entries!

eh...

feeling sleepy now.but sitting in the hall, just to reassure the grandmother that no, there are no thieves..

seriously, don't underestimate those old bones. strong enough still to overturn chairs!

hope she goes to sleep soon.

piano being upgraded to grade 2 next month. heh. not too sure about that... still not too confident reading the notes. especially reading both staff at once. eckh.

theory gives me headache, as always.

passed the 40 students mark a while ago. can't really believe i have that many! mostly because of the hours i work, i guess. doesn't seem like i have that many.

off days are mondays, which i really treasure! and it feels like ages until the next one comes around. mostly because of my packed weekends....

but life's been good so far~

2011-04-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

on thursday, it felt like everything was a bit off. and when things remained that way on sunday, i thought... hell. this is shaping up to be a bad week. i didn't know just then how bad.

everyone has problems. and i just had a new problem crop up at work on tuesday. and was feeling a bit down.
then i received the news that put everything into perspective.

a junior of mine died yesterday morning. he was not yet 18. got the news around noon. i read it in disbelief at first, he's just so young! but i knew that it's true. i went to work and all the while i wished that it was just a distasteful, belated april's fool. but i knew in my heart that it's real.

last night, after work, went online and saw tributes start appearing on my facebook news feed. he was truly well loved.

i was still in shock, really.

not yet 18, just finished spm, the world before him, without horizon.
gone, just because of a mistake.
apparently he stayed up last night to finish a report and was on his way to deliver it. lack of sleep caught up to him..

i've always been careful driving when there's motorcycles around. my uncle rides a motorcycle as his only form of private transport, so i always think about how i'd want other motorists to treat him. but since i heard the news i just can't stop thinking about him every time i see one. which means pretty much all the time i'm on the road.
i've always been a bit miffed when a car cuts in in front of me without signalling first. but today i got angry, and not just annoyed. not because it inconveniences me. but because i keep thinking that they're lucky that i'm behind them and alert. what if they did it one day and it finally catches up to the?. what if they get into an accident? what if they cause death? what if they themselves die from driving recklessly? it just got my blood boiling. because really, death by traffic accidents are senseless deaths, i think.

and there's no blame after it happens and a person dies. because it's useless to apportion blame. the dead stay dead. it's what my dad constantly reminds me. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. the accident still happened. so on our part, we just need to be constantly alert. there's no use debating right or wrong once it's done. all we have to do is avoid it.

in any case, my earlier point is that his death put everything into perspective for me. problems on earth are well.. really petty when put up against life and death. and my problems are nothing compared to what his parents must feel about their eldest son gone too soon; his siblings feel about their beloved elder brother gone too soon.

compared to other people, i can't claim to know him well. the most i can claim is a close acquaintance of three months during which we had the same goal: to make an orchestra performance a success.

i can remember your eagerness to learn the violin. you said that you want to, but your parents weren't keen on it? i offered to teach you just a bit. you, me, ms lillian, studio 1. you were my first student; the first i taught from scratch. i remember thinking that you're a natural at it. you just fit in with it well. you knew what to do with the violin instinctively. i would have loved to be able to teach you more. but of course, a kys student is always busy, and my time was up.

but in those three months i sit and observe. and i knew enough to know that you're a good person. you're respectful, hardworking. you care. a bit quiet, but that was the reason you caught my eye. because you go around doing your work quietly, but it's vital work. and yes, as sara mentioned, i like that 'intense look of concentration' on your face. 本当に真面目な人だね。that's the best description for you. 'majimena hito'. loosely translated as 'a serious person'. but in the japanese language the word majime conveys more than that. a serious person, a person who takes responsibility seriously.
i also liked how you talked to people, always respectful. no doubt that there's a playful side somewhere in there that i've never seen, but above all you carried yourself well.

and no doubt, because of that, god saw fit to claim you and bring you to his side.
many people believe that only the good die young. in your case, i believe it too.

today, i felt like i needed to go somewhere to feel close to you. and where else is there other than what was your intended destination yesterday? only i arrived safely. i don't know what i was searching for, but i guess i found it. i found people who knew you, who loves you, who remembers you. i found people with whom i could talk about you. i found a subdued air around the place, uncharacteristic, but just shows that they all remember you.

as do i.
i remember you.
and i'll remember you.

thank you for passing through my life, Md Izzi Hanafi Noordin. you've made it richer.

14/9/1993-20/4/2011

2011-04-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

can't believe it's my first post of this month... and a third of it already gone..
feels like there's too much and nothing in my head all at once.

feel just a bit disorientated for some reason...
and tonight feels like it's made for sentimentality..

maybe i should give in to that feeling?

ちょっとだけ落ち込んでるね～

2011-03-29T22:33:00.001+08:00

in what can be a really monotonous life, today was... eventful, i guess..

i got stabbed in the eyelids by a coloured pencil~ courtesy of an overenthusiastic six year old.
made me see stars for a bit. felt really, really, really lucky that it didn't get me in the eye. happened so fast i doubt i'd be able to avoid it!
eckh.

and said bye to one of my students.. she's going back to america on monday.
it was fun. especially because here is one student for whom i don't need to translate anything!
i thought i'd have another lesson with her on friday... forgot that friday's already april..

sigh.

time passes so fast, ne?

(^^,)

2011-03-25T22:46:00.001+08:00

been cheerful the past week~ for the most part anyway.
why?

mostly because when i finally got home after being away since chinese new year, found that i've got mail!

as you can see~ from China! super stoked. well, kinda had an inkling.. but still, was a pleasant surprise.

message made me smile, although just a bit disgruntled.. and felt a bit cheated since the expected essay-length letter got compressed into a postcard! and you can see the 加油 written on it. there's also a 马来西亚 written somewhere you can't see it. seeing those two words made me feel so proud! i mean, really. think back~ to just 2 years ago. he probably couldn't write a word to save his life! well, maybe something really really basic. and the words are so well written! unlike my totally sloppy writing. then again, i have sloppy writing no matter what language~

and so the postcard has now taken the pride of place with my most precious of possession~

yup! right in my violin case! so i can see the 加油 all the time in class~

so yeah~ i love~

达英

谢谢你!

我会好好珍惜这个明信片!

本当にありがとう！

2011-03-16T01:58:00.000+08:00

saw a blog post.. and that somehow made me miss you. cepat la balik!
if this is what you felt when i was away.. (though i highly doubt it)
it's pretty lousy isn't it?

anyway.
here in my home came on my winamp just now
and that made me kinda miss bath.
the bits when we were prepping for bamsa night, anyway.
really.. really.. i guess i miss having an event to.. coordinate?

meh.
and today's joyce's birthday.
maybe i'm just a bit sentimental today.. but.. nights like this are awesome, i think.

because i'm thinking about bath, and i'm thinking about ktj, and all i can remember are the good times.

so yeah... it's good.

me thinks it's just about time i crack open the blue book for a short spell... it's been awhile~

whoah. it's been awhile

2011-03-14T20:27:00.000+08:00

eh...
i guess i've been caught up in all the real world drama.
not real life, mind you, because personally, i'm mostly drama-free.

it's the thing in Egypt, Libya, and most of middle east and some parts of africa.

then there's Japan.
maybe it's unfair of me to be more concerned with japan's than new zealand's or haiti's.
it's just... i feel closer to japan than the other two countries, so the earthquake(s) and tsunami just really hit home.
it's worrying. especially as earthquake's still happening every few hours.. and there's the nuclear reactors.

really feels as if...
si jie mo ri.
the end is nigh.

but in some sense, if there's any country that's capable of dealing with it, it's japan. as a nation, they're survivors.

...

doesn't have much to do with me, really...
but it does make me worry... a lot.

yesterday (sunday)...

2011-02-28T01:23:00.000+08:00

was pretty crappy, to be honest.

well, just the beginning and the ending actually.

me uncle woke me up at 8.30, asking whether i have any classes.

thank god he did. otherwise i don't know what time i'll actually wake up.

as it was, i got in just a couple of minutes after 9.

scarcely late, then.

but it still rankled. and the variation in my sunday routine threw me off a bit.

so the rest of the day was spent with me just a bit off things.

then got home. and liverpool lost a match.

blergh.

not fun. hope today will be better, though.

today~ i bought:

2011-02-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

and a couple of proper baju. and a proper seluar.

contrary to popular belief (consciously nurtured by yours truly), i do like to dress up occasionally. i do like to wear nice clothes. and the best thing about dressing up is, i believe, the shoes/sandals. i ADORE wearing something like the above. whatever you call them.

i don't even mind putting on make-up. as long as it's someone else doing it~ maybe i should marry a make-up artist! =P

in any case, i always knew this time would come.
the time when i'll finally have to put aside my favourite mode of dress: t-shirts and jeans.
which was why they were all i wore at uni!

but, now that i work almost everyday, there's not many chances for me to wear them. haven't worn a pair of jeans in months, i think!
so, from having almost 20 pieces of t-shirts with me here in melaka, i'm left with just about 5 i think. because i don't really wear them anymore..

oh well.
i know i'm in a new phase in clothing when i feel weird wearing t-shirts~
but hey, when i find proper clothes that i like to wear, they're actually quite awesome~ so it's not like i'm losing anything!

2011-02-24T00:04:00.000+08:00

today was the day....

i had a .... well, for a lack of better description, a heart-to-heart talk with mr rama.
for a long time, i thought it'd take something quite miraculous for it to happen.
as it happened... well, i can try to avoid answering questions and giving information...
but when the person asks in a direct way... especially when they're my teachers...

so yeah.
kinda told him almost everything.
while crying, of course. nothing new there! (^^,)
and he took me to the cafe, got me a drink and talked more.
and then when i got back to admin, i walked straight into mr tan.
and more talk... which made me think that he really treats students like his own children.
the other day, he was all 'you know, if you do this, the best that you can do is....'
like all sorts of pessimistic realistic expectations.
today was like 'if this is really what you want, i've got an idea..'
and well, told him quite a bit too.

because really... i'm no longer at the stage where i want to hide what happened~
where i am now is more if you ask i'll answer. and not many people really asked~

anyway.
mr rama was the last person i expected to be supportive.
nothing against him personally.. but well... he does have a sharp tongue.
he said.. in this world, things will be okay if you do things sincerely.. and i think you have that.

that made me happy...

and mr tan said that he sees me coming back looking lost... and he doesn't want me to be lost...
and well, kandoushimashita.

so...
yeah.. that was... weird.
never mind RZ, ustazah Suhaini, cikgu Aton and of course the admin staff all saw me with red eyes! and en Zaharin and a couple of maintenance staff as well~

it's ... weird.
and it made me feel like they're all passing on a message from God.
only, i don't know how to decipher it yet...

oh well.

2011-02-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

cleaning up my media playlist.
well, audio playlist, actually.

something i find myself doing every now and then.
although i've neglected it for the past year or so, i think. considering the mess it's in right now!

haven't found a lot to write about lately.
it's the same thing day in day out, really.
wake up, go to class, come home, sleep.
it's the characters, the people i meet that makes the difference.

i'm just thinking..
it's a bit.. ironic that a person who well, really, avoids going out and meeting people most of the time, is now working with people.
or maybe, less ironic and more... inevitable.
inevitable because if my work didn't entail me going out and meeting people,
i won't be meeting anyone at all!

as it is, the only texts i receive are from my bosses, students, twitter, and sometimes family.
take away work, and i'm left with updates from @thisisanfield and the occasional ones from family.
talk about anti-social!

been feeling just a tad *lonely* because of the lack of a... soulmate~
then i think to myself: there's no way i'll find him if i don't even go out!

and i feel a lot better.
because i still hate going out more than i hate being alone!
LOL

anyway.
coming on to i think more than 3 weeks since i had fever.
last few days looked as if the cough would get better.. but today looks like it's getting worse.
oh i don't know.
if monday i wake up feeling crap, that'll be my 3rd trip to the doctor's.
and i really need to wash my car. or rather, pay someone to wash it.
and laundry.
and photocopy stuff for some of me students.
ahh.... a to-do list!

since monday is my only totally free day now... don't actually want to spend it doing errands...
oh well.
life after school. that's the way it is~

2011-02-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

refer to last paragraph of previous post.

done all except sleep.
and the gargle made me throw up my dinner, which was only porridge with bits of fish and vege.

ah... the small favours in life.
seriously, the gargle tastes super awful on its way up.
very very very bitter!

but i think it's passed.
will sleep.. alarm set for 12.30 to see if i need extra panadols.
and to sneak a look at LFC vs Wigan~

night~

2011-02-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

absolutely miserable.
went to see the doctor yesterday. gave me more antibiotics, cough syrup and some gargle.
i think it's to try to force the phlegm out.
because the cough got crazily worse yesterday.

then again, at least i'm not barfing out dinner anymore.
and call me a hypochondriac, but i feel like a fever coming on.

and cramps. don't forget the cramps.
one must never forget the cramps.

and so, what seems like a suey week continues.

did i mention, my tyre went flat on me on wednesday as i was making my way down to melaka.
original plan was to leave at 10, but that got delayed due to something i'd rather not go into. so finally left at 10.30.

then, normally, i'll arrive at popo's after 2 hours. but i got here at 2.10pm. miserable. only had time for toilet and a quick change of clothes before going straight to class.

and yesterday....
yesterday....
felt like.. oh well.
it's time to let go of the place i once called home. because it finally doesn't feel like home anymore.
took me long enough. 10 years.
so.... telling myself here that i will stop my frequent visits to this place, because it's not doing me any favours. because i finally feel like i can't wait to leave when i'm there. instead of hesitating and keep putting off my departure.

now, need to find other ways to amuse myself.

tired.
stupid cramps. miserable.

i'm gonna go gargle, pop in panadols and drink cough syrup.
and go to sleep.

2011-02-08T00:24:00.001+08:00

whoever said that money problems will sort itself out can't have been through a real one.

just my bitter opinion right now.

hate that i can't even cry properly because a coughing fit will interrupt it.

~~maybe if i can die, at least the 360,000 problem will go away.~~
~~not to mention the overall expenses of maintaining this one extra person.~~
~~one extra useless waste of space.~~
~~tonight, i really hate myself.~~
~~and wish that i can just curl up and die.~~
~~it's been awhile since i had these kind of thoughts...~~
i really can't cope with money pressure.

maybe because it's something that needs to depend on a lot of other factors.
if it's emotional pressure... i can rant and that's half of it gone. and the other half is totally under my control. as in i'm the one who chooses to continue being emo or choose to let go.
but money... no matter what i do, i need to get the money from a third party.

~~can barely control these negativity.~~
~~i need back up. please?~~

2011-02-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

just a bit sleepy.
meh.
must be tired from all the coughing.

so apparently, the first GANTZ movie might be out in malaysia on 7th april.
which would be awesome!
watching ninomiya kazunari on the movie screen in malaysia?
might be the closest i get to him unless i go to japan!

although, really, i've been looking forward to Ohoku more than gantz.
wonder when the DVD will be out for whichever lovely sub team to work on it.
in the meantime, will be watching BECK movie!
mizushima hiro, mukai osamu?
take what i can get~

been watching nino promos for the last two days.
i missed this guy.

feeling kinda weird/lost watching video on my laptop without my hands being busy folding paper crane.
ah well, will cope.

完成しました！

2011-02-04T20:17:00.000+08:00

鶴カウンター：１０００匹
逆して、千羽鶴！！！！

took me almost 2 months i think...
but it's done!
and i've given it to the intended recipient.
hope she'll fully recover and live a long life!

2011-02-01T01:51:00.000+08:00

tsuru: 800!

racing against time to finish the last 200 by chinese new year. don't think i can make it somehow... well, maybe possible for finish stringing them up. just not enough to stylize it a bit.

anyway.

went to kys on saturday night. heard there was a barbeque and kysers are invited. i was all, free food? hell yeah!
we were also invited to give a motivational talk, which i thought would be held in the afternoon, when i'm safely away at work. who knew, the kyser talk was actually held at night, before we get food! so got roped in anyway. more or less gave them a bit of a warning. as in, you know, the it's-highly-possible-that-your-life-after-this-may-suck-so-don't-buy-in-too-much-into-the-whole-kys-students-are-a-cut-above-the-rest.

okay, maybe it was more subtle than that. i guess just wanted to give support to those people who will leave kys with less than ideal memories. leave the place with scars. don't know if any of them actually listened, but hey, i can wish, right?

since it was raining, and the rahman bbq was held at MP hall, gave a few form 5 rahman girls a ride. one of them asked me something along the lines of what do i think gives kys students the edge. then that somehow gave birth to the question of how will she know if she's making the right choices?

and somehow... once we got to mp hall, she was the only one left in the car and we sat in there for quite some time, with me saying that she should do things that she thinks she won't regret 10 years down the line. and somehow out came my story of not having a degree, going for something i love, the reality that i'm facing.
above all, that i'm happy where i am, although not forgetting that there's trouble on the horizon. and how i *do* admire those people who can go through things (a.k.a. degree) that they don't like just to finish it.

that although i'm okay with my way, i don't exactly recommend it to people!

so yeah. i guess it's not that i'm keeping it a secret on purpose.. it's just on a need-to-know basis?

but well, it was kinda fun meeting teddy and some of my proper juniors. especially EG, one of those for whom i've always had a soft spot. really seems like he's turned out well. almost made me think that in a different world, i would've been working alongside this kid who is someone i can be proud of. not that i had anything to do with how he turned out, just saying~

heh.

oh well.
should be sleeping right now, but kinda a bit wired over this transfer window. normally i'm pretty apathetic. as in if a player comes then great, if a player leaves, then all the best.
but with torres's horrible timing, there's just this vague feeling of betrayal. so kinda feel like i can't move on to sleep until it's confirmed that he's left or that he's staying.
although, my practical side is almost commanding me to go to sleep. even if my eyes are still wide open.

and well...
i've been feeling just a bit uneasy lately. maybe ever since i've deleted all phone numbers i have of a contact. of course, there's facebook and everything still. just you know. if there's a temptation, most effective way is probably to remove the means to gain access to it. which i've done.

so... a bit numb right now?

okay. i'll really turn in for now. last day of teaching tomorrow for a week! can't wait! hoping that i can finally let my throat heal properly by not having to talk so much.

songs from 61st Kouhaku i want to listen to again

2011-01-27T13:48:00.000+08:00

Angela Aki - Kagayaku Hito
Funky Monkey Babys - Ato Hitotsu
AKB48 - Beginner
TOKIO - Advance
Uemura Kana - Toilet no Kamisama
Ikimonogakari - Arigatou

2011-01-19T23:58:00.000+08:00

tsuru count: 14x40 = ....... 560?

it's nothing new
and it's a cycle
doesn't mean that when this part of the wheel comes around
it doesn't still hurt
ugh.

okay.
i'll just go sleep.
replies are overrated.

2011-01-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

just felt like there were some things i needed to write, so i came to this site.

but once here...
can't put my thoughts down.
more like... can't even pin down the thoughts in my head, let alone write it our.

but well...
haven't really been in the right frame of mind since.. friday night, really.

i think i'll get me a dose of arashi...

2011-01-15T05:46:00.000+08:00

crashed out just after 10pm. thought i'd feel better after a good night's sleep.
well.. considering i woke up 4 something... not really~
still feeling this heaviness.
well, still thinking whether to go back to sleep or not.
whatever.

2011-01-14T22:02:00.001+08:00

just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
the one major thing i regret is taking up something without a passion for it.
i guess with me it's all or nothing and unfortunately i couldn't bring myself to give it all to something i detest.
drowning. in an ocean of looming debts.
drowning in a pool of blood.
still not developed emotionally.
or at least, that's what i think i can assume by the re-occuring and recurring thoughts of taking the easy way out.
that's one thing.
the other...
all those japanese school dramas depicting teaching as a noble profession, are those just lies or are they true in japan? in any case, really doesn't seem so here. not even by teachers themselves.

what's wrong, i'm asking you, what's wrong, with wanting to be one? when even teachers seem to degrade their profession, it's no wonder schools are in such horrible state.
and another.
i really don't want to create problems with you. but thing is, i can't do the whole one face in front of you and a different face behind you. so will you just tell me what you think of me honestly, then i can just stop trying to keep an okay relationship with you?
it's just... i'm tired. and having to meet people like you takes out all the enjoyment i get from going back there. and that sucks. just sucks.

ok. to be honest, it hurts. it hurts so much that i cry just thinking about it. and there's this lump in my throat, heaviness in my heart, and there's this.... weird weight pressing down on my head. my breath starts coming in quicker until i have to consciously control it. and i'll take in gulps of air. and i just want to curl up in bed and not get up. ever.

except, that's not an option, is it?
although deep down i know that the past few months were the proverbial 'calm before the storm'....
it's just. i thought i was done fighting all these damn thoughts. but now i know they're always just a word away from crumbling. and when the will to live crumbles, it takes a while for it to rebuild. and in the meantime, there's just me fighting against this idea of just ending it. but i never do, because.... i'm not exactly a fan of physical pain, which would've been necessary.

it's just. i just...

feels like there's leaden weights on all of my limbs. i just need to stop thinking.
having to be careful with words, be careful of the information you want to impart, whether the person can be trusted, that's what the rest of this life will be like eh?

it's real, childhood innocence. it exists. and the only time you know it does exist is when you don't have it anymore.

2011-01-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

night should be banned..

make no mistake, i will probably always prefer night to day, but sometimes, night just makes me melancholic.
and the danger that comes with it, one of slipsliding straight into full out depression can never be underestimated.

but... i love it.
although i feel like i shouldn't.

come to think of it, there's loads of things that i love but i feel like i shouldn't..

was testing out the webcam earlier, and i think i must have ran through the whole gamut of emotions while doing it. excitement, of course, then happiness, then comes the calm, then a bit of wistfulness, afterwards there was a phase of holding tears back and lastly just... melancholia.

not that it wasn't awesome being able to video call people, but sometimes there are drawbacks to it, i guess.

for one, it's a lot harder to lie on a video call.

i miss the guy that played me guitar from continents away, singing the fray's 'look after you'. and then a lullaby.
wonder how you're getting on with life now. we keep saying we should meet up, but i keep finding a reason not to...

now i really wish i have a pensieve.

those few moments i was both happy, and at peace. priceless combination, those.

anyway.

i miss you. and you. and you and you and definitely you!

2011-01-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

鶴カウンター：４００匹！！！！！

happy!!! crane count will reach 500 soon~ meaning, halfway there

ahh...

will go to sleep soon..

seriously.
eh.. that's about it?

The King is Back, Long Live the King!

2011-01-11T00:49:00.001+08:00

yup, totally hyped up by Kenny Dalglish's appointment as Liverpool Manager!
as i was on the net when the news broke, and the barrage of messages on my phone thanks to twitter, there was no way i didn't get the message.

still, it didn't seem quite real until i caught the match and saw him on the touchline at old trafford.

finally, finally, after months! got to see the kind of football that reeled me in in the first place. football played with heart, and determination.

watching the game, the statement of intent was clear, and felt like it was more important than the gane itself, which is why even though we lost to the Mancs, it didn't hurt much.

Because Liverpool was finally playing like Liverpool, instead of a pseudo-Fulham!

ok. i'll refrain from digging at the previous manager. no guarantees of success, though.

oh well. there's still half of the season left, so here's to a top-half finish!
awh, heck. here's to the mathematical chance of finishing at the top of the league!!!

yeah, that's the effect that Kenny Dalglish has on Liverpool Football Club.

anyway, back on planet earth~
yesterday spent the time cutting origami papers while watching the match. eh... it sucked. cutting papers. since i want them to be cut as perfect as possible, that ruled out cutting more than one sheet at once. so yeah, tedious...

and today made a new record as i folded 84 cranes. they're not strung up yet though, so can't include them to the official tally just yet.
folded while watching Perfect Report, which had been sitting on the hard disk. originally i wanted to fold while having an Arashi no Shukudai-kun marathon, seeing as i finally have all 178 episodes, but then i remembered a few of this season's dramas that i've downloaded but haven't watched.

so maybe tomorrow i'll have a Keizoku: SPEC marathon.
then there's John Bishop's Elvis has Left the Building! took a peek at the first few minutes~ got me laughing within seconds!

ahh... good times ahead.

on another note. i know that sometimes i do put on this 'of course, i'm awesome' act jokingly, but there's a limit to it. do it sparingly, please. seriously. overdo it and it's just not cool anymore.

which brings to me another thought.
apparently my horoscope for this year said something about relationships with people. something like how on/off relationships will end permanently this year. and that got me to think... so, will it come true, or will it be a self-fulfilling prophecy? because i'm sorely tempted... it's no fun having my high tainted by reactions of other people, so the easy solution is to remove them.

...

okay.... i'm starting to lose my thoughts. so. quit while i'm ahead? will either go to sleep straight away or watch ep 7 of ogon no buta~

good night!

2011-01-08T23:16:00.001+08:00

sakurai sho once said that arashi is a group that took the roundabout way to get to the popularity they reached in their 10th year.

that, along with songs like Fight Song, Kitto Daijoubu, Believe....
they make me smile, and they make me feel all is right~

Arashi no mina-san,
Hontou ni arigatou gozaimasu.

2011-01-05T00:44:00.000+08:00

泣いてもいい？泣きたい・・
なんとなくね。
いや、なんとなくじゃない
ちょっと言い辛い
なんか私はノダメっぽい？
そんなに音楽が上手うじゃないけど
のだめの気持ちだけわかる
じぶんが「これでいい」と思うが
まわりの人たちがずっと「まだ上を目指せ！」と説教します
どう伝えて、あなたを分かれさせるかな？

すごく不安？
今歩く道にぜんぜん悩んでない
尊敬する人の言葉はちょっとね・・
とにかく心が痛い
夜眠れない

この道からとにかく離れて積もりはない
だからあなたの言葉聴き辛い

あたしもうそんな生活は嫌！
疲れただもう
６－７年前の決断：シーンプルな生き方がほしい
昔からそんなえらい夢がないよ
お金がいっぱい集めるとか、会社社長になるとか、有名人になるとか

今の私今の生き方は一番と思ってる
未来の私どう思うがわからないが、後でゆっくり考えて時間がある。
そう信じます
音楽にえらい人になるか、経済学の勉強を続けるか、それとも政治学が学ぶか
その時代未来に来るか、来てないかわかりません

でも今もう大満足よ
ここにいる

2011-01-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

今すごく寂しそうな感じ
誰と話せばいいかな

歌詞の意味はわからないけど、音楽のフィーるは私の気持ちと似合ってる

LANDS　：二十歳の戦争

2011-01-03T23:01:00.001+08:00

つるカウント：240匹～

on days like today, i hate kys.

they make me feel like it's a crime to waste all the supposed 'talent' i have.

as if i have no right to be mediocre.

as if everything i do must be a success, and there only one way to measure it, which is by money.

is it so wrong to be happy with what i'm doing now?

am i forever obliged to feel discontent?

just because ages ago, i had straight As for PMR and SPM, and that i was head girl.

as it stands, i can't not be happy with what i'm doing

but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty and disappointment because i seemed to have let so many people down.

these tears i cry, it's not because of feeling inferior because of people talking about me behind my back as you assume.

these tears, they're born from frustration at your inability to understand that i'm happy where i am, and that even after 5 years in kys, i am still a que sera sera.

might be incredibly naive of me, wanting to live a simple, yet fulfilling life.. but looking at so many with supposedly good jobs yet who dread going to work, i still think that i've got the better and of the deal.

2010-12-29T07:13:00.000+08:00

tsuru counter: 200!!!!! hiki? piki?

awfully stoked that i've reached 200~

actually, that was yesterday, but as usual, crap connection at night prevented me from announcing my joy!

it's been more than 2 weeks without a liverpool game. play one quick! then we'll at least have a chance at improving our league position. although, with roy in charge, it's possible that our position will turn worse~

meh.
back to sleep for me~

2010-12-26T22:15:00.000+08:00

eh. back from going around kedah.

tired. sleepy.

and frankly, there was only one reason i agreed to go on this northern tour: the chance to meet auntie lin and uncle rahmat. if not, wouldn't have bothered.

so i guess getting to meet them made up for the other, more... bluergh part of going so far up?

liverpool's game is postponed for the second time~ meh.
malaysia goes to the 2nd leg of the final with a 3-0 lead. they'd have to be extremely stupid to squander that much of a lead. going up to kedah made me realize that i haven't heard anyone speak kedah since i was in the same class as muhammad faiz mohd yatim. and mohd munir omar. eh, it's been quite a long while...

will probably go to sleep soon..

night~

2010-12-24T19:31:00.000+08:00

as sucky as celcom mobile broadband can be in high traffic spots, i had to say that mobile broadband is AWESOME.

i'm just so amazed that i'm typing this in a moving vehicle!

=D

gila jakun kan?

but hey, whatever.
awesome~

but i'm getting tired of looking at this screen, so i'm gonna sign off for now~

2010-12-23T21:14:00.000+08:00

tsuru counter: 120ppiki!!

that's three whole strings~ and 22 to go~

watching to heart again..
tokieda yuji and miura toko are <3

leaving tomorrow for the north. and the east coast. for 4? 5? days.
eckh.

feel like just staying at home~
and laze around.

bluerh.
whatever la.

2010-12-21T22:46:00.000+08:00

senbazuru count: 80ppiki

it's coming along, slowly but surely...
i'm thinking if i can finish it within 3 months then that'll be awesome~

new project!

2010-12-20T23:05:00.001+08:00

senbazuru on string: 50

working on senbazuru, which literally means 1000 cranes~

not the construction site one la.

so i think with every post i'll put up a senbazuru count, not based on how many i've folded, but how many are already strung up.

in other news~
just two more days of teaching before i'll be home for a week's worth of holiday!
just hope that papa won't want to balik kampung for too long... sigh.
i really only just want to laze around in my room at home, eat mama's cooking and go play Wii when i feel like it.

meh. but holiday is holiday, i suppose.
hope that my students actually practice at home! won't want them to regress.... although that does seem inevitable~

the accidental project~

2010-12-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

so i was trying out some modular origami, starting with this:

and a few more using Sonobe units, when an idea struck, and it became a project.

Step 1:

Write things down on a piece of paper.

Can be wishes, hopes, dreams, anything at all, that you think worth remembering.

Alternatively, you can write them down on a few strips of paper and produce these:

Step 2:

Build a Toshie's Jewel

Insert paper into the space within

Step 3:

Build a bigger Toshie's Jewel

Insert the smaller one into the larger one.

Step 4:

Build a Large Cube using 12 Sonobe units

Insert the pervious Toshie's Jewel into the cube.

There should be loads of room to spare for you to keep whatever else you wish.

hehe. yeah. modular origami. awesome. the only downside is that for the really pretty ones, you'll need to fold up to 90 units. which really sounds as tedious as the end product is spectacular.

and, i dug up a photo on my phone! which serves as a reminder of the two most regrettable handphone charms i've ever lost. besides the rurouni kenshin one~

ahh... to think i once had Doronjo and Yatterman hanging off my phone! Those were the days~ =P

so...

2010-12-12T20:34:00.000+08:00

been messing around with games on facebook~
hehe. so have a few extra apps with me.
heh.

and well...apparently, my birth month says this about me:

* Fun to be with
* Secretive
* Difficult to fathom and to be understood
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Takes pride in oneself
* Has reputation (good or/and bad!)
* Easily consoled
* Honest
* Concern about people´s feelings
* Tactful
* Friendly
* Approachable
* Very emotional
* Tempramental and unpredictable
* Moody and easily hurt
* Witty and sarky (i assume they mean snarky?)
* Sentimental
* Not revengeful
* Forgiving but never forgets
* Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
* Guides others physically and mentally
* Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
* Caring and loving
* Treats others equally
* Strong sense of sympathy
* Wary and sharp
* Judge people through observations
* Hardworking (definitely not!)
* No difficulties in studying (used to, not anymore)
* Loves to be alone
* Always broods about the past and the old friends
* Likes to be quiet
* Homely person
* Waits for friends
* Never looks for friends
* Not aggressive unless provoked
* Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
* Loves to be loved
* Easily hurt but takes long to recover
* Overly concerned
* Puts in effort in work

the ones i agree with are in bold.
heh. i guess you can say i'm the allergic-to-hard-work version of a july person!

by the way

2010-12-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

don't make my day any less enjoyable please. and give me a huge smile when i wake tomorrow?

school holidays. ugh.

2010-12-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

yeah...
driving down, highway was busier than usual. at 8am on a saturday, i tell you!
and when it comes to choosing between sitting it out behind ridiculously slow drivers, slowly getting numb and pedal to the metal, keeping alert for cars coming in from behind...

yeah. stepped on it. ridiculous, i'm telling you. three lanes, cars packed on the supposedly fastest lane and middle lane, while the 'slow' lane was empty except for the odd bus/lorry. seriously. stupid didn't even begin to describe it.

another reason why school holidays suck: my students go off for holiday on the weekends. and me having to schedule replacement classes. doing me head in, keeping track of who, when and how long.

echk.

thankfully i was on my way home from malacca town in the evening. looking at the cars on the other side, pity them, man. jam-packed. though there's no end of cars on my side making their way to the highway.

anyway. in the end, what is normally a 2 hrs 30 mins drive turned into 2 hrs. couldn't even sigh in relief until i got to AEON. 20 minutes too early for shops other than jusco to be open yet. so got inarizushi for lunch. heh.

and, seeing as i was on the phone until almost 1 am yesterday, i could barely keep my eyes open by the time 4pm came around. was already worrying about how i'd drive back in that state. thank god my last student was more... stimulating? we were doing theory about scales, so my brain needed to do a bit more work~

eh...
that promise to always tell the truth to me? i'll hold you to it.

i will not sit by and wait for you to make the same mistakes i did. i'll do whatever it takes, even if it means interfering in your life directly.

been thinking a few things lately. lately being the past 3-4 days. serious things. i guess you can call them grown-up issues? heh. and well... i don't know.

what if...?

but there's no use thinking about that, eh? que sera sera and all that. i just probably need to prepare myself for the possibility of it happening. or really, in this case, not happening.

anyway. something just occured to me.
i do love that high school i call home... but it doesn't mean that i look at it with rose-tinted glasses.
because after all, i guess i did burn out there. because it is kys. and things were never the same again once that desire to compete was totally killed off.

but hey, sword of damocles notwithstanding, i do like my life now.
so yeah. i'm good.

2010-12-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

何が言ってもやっぱり心配よ・・
でも、先話した後ちょっと安心します
神様、お願い、どうかあの人を守ってください
道が見えないときに光を光ってくれる
心が重いときに悩みを消される
何もかもここに無事帰ってほしい

nose, meet grind.
heh. no not really.

had a bit of a soul searching night. and not just on my part. made me try to put words to express feelings. and well... i hope it helps. more than anything else, i'd hate for you to make the same mistakes i made.

but yeah. whatever. i really should have been sleeping since 11. need to drive back down to melaka at 7. class from 11-6. then there'll be the weekend outsiders nightmarish traffic.

eckh. not looking forward to that.

sara ruzanna yatim, nadia elena!
make up your minds and get down to melaka quick! i need entertainment!
=P

tomorrow!!!!

2010-12-07T21:24:00.000+08:00

but first today~

watch harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1 with bahiyah~

and well... for some reason, it's the one i like most based upon a first viewing. which, in my case, almost always mean the final viewing as well!

the moment the movie started, i remembered that i haven't watched half-blooded prince yet. heh.
but anyway. yeah, it felt... right. the movie, i mean. as dark as i remember the book to be, but still with some spots of characteristic humour, to remind people that yes, this is still the same story as the one in the first book~

good thing my stomach (and body, in general) didn't make a scene then. though the way back from class was.. uncomfortable.

and got me thinking of something, which i don't really feel like recounting here right now, on account of my droopy eyelids thanks to the actifast i took earlier. (now isn't that an awkward sentence?) though really, they should be called actinormal.

anyway. tomorrow, new student. class. if can go pay off car loan, celcom bill. then home, HOME!

tired....

2010-12-06T22:43:00.000+08:00

after tonight, it's just gonna be one more night before i'm off for home.

thought i could stand it, not going out for one day, especially since i spent the better part of the afternoon on the bed, shivering underneath my blanket on a warm day... but 6pm came and i couldn't stand it anymore.

figured i'm better off having a headache outside, in the car rather than having her knocking on my door and shouting at me to either eat rice or take a bath.

shit. my head aches just remembering it.

so i went out and stayed out until 9pm and shut the door to my room immediately after getting back.

oh, to hell with good intentions.

so yeah. been feeling miserable since last night. have had 2 doses of panadol since then, and probably gonna take another dose soon if this pressure on the head refuses to lift.

whatever it is, gonna watch 'arry tomorrow with bahiyah!!
please oh please, don't let me take a turn to the worse. i need to be well enough at least until wednesday so that i can drive home. once there, i can collapse all i want.

that is, until saturday morning at the very latest, when i'd have to go back for class~

とにかく泣きたい
誰かの肩を貸してろ～！

2010-12-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

いやぁ～
今日先からいやな感じがする・・
どうしてがわかんないけど。

上の言葉タイプ中、電話が来た
中国から
声を聞こえた後ちょっとだけ元気になるね

後、薬を飲んだ

明日また元気になるなら良いね

metaphorically...

2010-12-04T20:56:00.001+08:00

it's a case of i cut you, we both bleed.

if you ask me to pick a date from when it started getting a bit wonky.. hmm... i'll probably say the day i went back and found that wii wasn't there. a few days after that i really got... aodufhbadkvweckfunsvimlubkvdf.

they celebrated my grandma's birthday last weekend. of course, with so many people around her, she was so happy. but what the people who left afterwards don't know is that she gets a lot worse on days immediately afterwards. before, she was content with the simple existence, of seeing just a few people. but after...

there's this poster hanging everywhere at AEON bandaraya melaka. something like 'if it's not physical, is it abuse?'

it definitely is.

i understand that she's concerned and everything, but being old, it just doesn't get into her head. and i'm not exactly the most patient person in the world. and well, after being told for the 30th time or so that popo x marah lu la', my placating tone when answering her turned.. well, impatient. and i well nigh shouted at her that 'yes, i know that! now please just go and sit down because your legs aren't that strong to withstand long minutes of standing up'.

so i'm already stressed out. and that aunty who comes and cook for popo can be such a busybody who doesn't seem to take a hint that i'm not exactly in the mood to talk to her.

then today i had to tell off a student. she's smart, i know she is, but she just doesn't try. she doesn't even pretend to try. and after a month's worth of lesson going on in the same vein, i had enough. i must have told her about 5 times to check that F# before continuing, but she ignored me every time and kept playing. horribly. horribly out of tune. with such a negative body language that i just couldn't stand watching her.

so i told her she has a choice of either continuing that particular song while listening to my instructions, or if she just doesn't want to listen to what i have to say, i just won't say anything and she has her choice of playing anything else. so i sat down and ignored her for what must have been almost 20 minutes, before i couldn't stand the silence and went out for a walk around the block. i was really contemplating telling her straight out that she might as well just stop coming for classes because i don't have time to waste on people who don't want to learn.

okay. i didn't really think that. it was more along the line of: could i have done anything more? there must be some other way that i can use to get her to reciprocate which i can't seem to find, failure that i am. yeah, i'm a champion of that, beating myself up.

when i got back, i heard her trying to figure out the notes on her own and it just melt my heart. what i did end up doing is going back in and telling her that i'm the type of person who wants to do something whole-heartedly. and it's difficult to do that if the student doesn't respond.

and i asked her to go back and think about it. think about where she wants to go with the violin. if she wants to learn it properly, then i will teach her properly. but if she doesn't really want to learn it and are only taking classes because her parents enrolled her, it's better for her to go back and tell them that she's not interested, and can they please stop the classes? if they don't allow her to stop, then come in and tell me that she doesn't want to take it seriously. then i'll only push her only as far as she's willing to go, and not as far as she can go.

thankfully for the two students after her, i learned the art of changing switches a long long time ago~

but i guess... today, i learned that... having students who are willing to learn is the most important thing. when i was faced with 14 of them for a non-stop day from 9-5, i was tired, at the end, but i felt good on the drive back.

today was another long day from 10.30-6, with an hour's break in between, but with just one unwilling student, i felt like crap on the way back.

and it didn't help that saturday night melaka is filled with imbecilic, assholistic i-want-to-die-now-on-the-road drivers. and so many people from out of state who brought their kl-brand of 'courteous' driving down to melaka.

seriously. there's nothing in melaka. and if you're so bent on driving recklessly, i bet the road to and from genting suits your purposes better.

ah well. on a happier note, i broke through the rm1000 mark today! though really, when i got the cheque i was just so bummed it didn't really register beyond 'oh. kay, thanks for the cheque as always'

on HanaDan and Dolittle~

2010-12-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

they of course, refer to hana yori dango and juui dolittle!

i think hanazawa rui saw how being an asshole gets the girl,
so he decided to be an asshole in a new incarnation~
for a second chance with the same girl!

hahahahahah!!!

now this is a rare early post

2010-12-02T14:07:00.000+08:00

seems to me that i mostly blog in the evenings~

went out this morning to get the car washed. dare say it was a good job, and the only thing i'd complain about is the left over chemical smell. but it doesn't really bother me, so i'll let that pass~

in other news...

cd burning going pretty good. and, thanks to me paying for unlimited subscription for AVS software during my audio experimenting days, i've started doing dvds as well. two of them done, for KAIKAN Phrase. that will free up my externals for other stuff~

so yeah. feeling kinda... fulfilled at the moment

pbrrrrrrrr. meh.

2010-12-01T22:44:00.000+08:00

yeah.
meh

so the last two times i went for a movie on a weekday morning, this 5th floor of dataran pahlawan was practically empty.

even after factoring in the school holidays, i figured there won't be many people out for a 11.40am movie. wanted to watch mastermind.

but when i got there.... long queue. harrumph.
went to daiso to console myself for a bit. then on to jusco.

coz my plan was to catch an early movie, then straight to my classes after that. but when the plan was foiled by eager teenagers with nothing better to do with their time... i had more than 3 hours to spend.

so yeah. ended up in jusco. sat and took a long time to eat my food. went to popular, where, incidentally, i FINALLY found a copy of Gaskell's North and South that doesn't belong to me. then went to Bata. went back to jusco. on the way realized that the humongous snowman in the centre court is actually made of plastic bottles. interesting.

the got meself this thing. which i put together once i reached home and had my dinner of rice with soup filled with fishballs, tauhu, fuuchuk and whatnot.

this thing made me very happy:

yup. very happy.

because now i don't have things stored under the bed. and i have more above-knee-height places to put my things.

i just realized. i seem to enjoy putting up pictures of finished furniture picked by myself. and pictures that shows books i own. heh. maybe this is a form of subconscious bragging? ah well.

important is the floor is as clear as i can make it. which is very important. because my hairfall rates seem to be just slightly over average. and it's a pain trying to sweep the floor clean of my hair when i have to move lots of things around.

so i guess all's well ends well. or whatever it was shakespeare wrote.

and i'll guess i'll be off to sleep then. in about an hour or so. or whenever i eventually do.

with a smile on my face, of course!

she is so...

2010-12-01T01:59:00.000+08:00

excited that she can make mix... cds at the moment!!!!

and of course, the first two she made had to be arashi related!

first is a mix of tracks from singles that doesn't appear anywhere else, as well as newer tracks from this year~
the second is a member solo's cd. which i really really really adore.

heh.

the next one that i'll work on will probably be brandon boyd's solo album. after that, who knows?

but i really can't wait for marc phoon to come back from japan with boku no miteiru fuukei and iza! now. and tokio's sugar~
never mind the fact that he's still in malaysia!

ah well.

so yeah. awesome, isn't it?

don't know what i'm doing still up....
though really, my brain must be half asleep already judging by the sentence structures and the amount of times i had to correct my spelling.

now why wasn't i smart enough to do this not-sleepimg-early thing tomorrow or something. but hey, work's at 3.40, so it's not like i don't have time!

okay, okay. will sleep now.

by the way,

2010-11-28T22:27:00.002+08:00

yes, i did have straight classes from 9-5 today.

not as punishing as i thought it'd be.

just needed water. lots of water.

the promised one~

2010-11-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

eh.. laptops have ever so slight differences in their keyboard layouts, and i keep getting myself mixed up~ but i suppose i'll get used to it.

a survey of prices tells me that i can get a decent one that will fulfill all my measly requirements for a bit less than rm2000. hmmm...

anyway.
yeah. thursday before the last, i was looking back on how much i've spent at mcd and old town just to have a place to sit down and chill with the internet. total came to a lot, so i finally decided to just get mobile broadband. went to tesco cheng, registered and everything.

went back home and the laptop didn't agree with the usb modem, so i decided to restore the laptop to factory settings. left it running at popo's house while i went out with ah yi on friday.

came back to see laptop fried. said that it couldn't detect windows vista and asked me to reinstall the operating system. which gave me a bit of hope.

until i remembered that the installation is through a CD... and my cd player has been toast for some time.

blergh. meh.

thankfully, me bro has an extra laptop, having upgraded to macbook earlier in the year. so yeah... working on that one right now.

having completely wiped out the stuff on the laptop, started installing the standard things i use: winamp, chrome, mega manager, utorrent, zoom player, skype...

skype!

of course, i was kinda excited and wanted to call someone and just ramble about it. i hit dial before i remembered that this laptop does not have built in microphones.

heh.

guess it'll keep.

heading out to town tomorrow. will get laptop cooler (given that popo's house is just really really HOT), and microphone. and webcam, if i feel like it. which is... not really. just feel like it's something i should like to have.
heh.

might be able to go watch 'arry tomorrow eh? before or after the 1-hour replacement class from 3.30-4.30?
hmm....

dilemmas, dilemmas.

hahah!

woohoo!

2010-11-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

feels like donkey AGES since i've been able to sit in front of a laptop and take my time online!

which, thanks to assistance, i am able to do now!

will write more later. like later later.

it's nearing midnight and tomorrow i have a hell of a schedule.
though really, being the one responsible for packing it full, it's not like i can blame anyone but myself!

unless someone with regular sunday lesson fails to turn up tomorrow, i'll be teaching straight from 9am to 5pm.

like straight. straight. straight.

not even a 10 minute break in between.

heh.

knackered, i will be. but hopefully not frustrated until i'm tearing my hair out~

2010-11-09T20:40:00.000+08:00

meh...

i was fine until up to less than 5 minutes ago, when melancholy, as it so often does, suddenly sets in.

sometimes it aches, sometimes it makes a dull throb, sometimes it makes both.

and sometimes i just feel cold all over, and it's not the air conditioning.

and well. i wish equatorial has free internet. stupid big moneyed hotels. was hoping that i could sneak onto mcd's wifi like i did with the jetty's wifi at holiday inn, but since the room is at 15th floor, little chance of that happening, eh?

so yeah. mcd now. and maybe if i'm tired of waiting for a plug point to be free, i'll move on to old town or something.

but i just really fell like hiding in the room right now. sigh.

but yeah....

2010-11-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

eh.. back to melaka tomorrow.

sigh. not gonna have the luxury of being connected 24/7.

and that just reminded me that i wanted to research broadband packages.

let's see...

pack.
drive down.
makan.
photocopy grade 1 for rachel.
car loan payment.

... what else did i miss?
don't think there's anything...
hmm...

so yeah.
back to the inconvenient internetting
but armed with NatsuNiji, first episodes of this season's drama picks, last 2 episodes of csi miami and merlin, and a host of arashi subbed videos.

that should tide me over for about... 3 weeks if i hold out long enough~
heh.

ok well....

2010-11-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

i only managed to do those things that didn't necessitate me going out from the house!

so umm... lunch? and Wii!!!!!

ever since i had a taste of DDR games at kamilah's (last year? two years ago?), i wanted a crack at it again! so yeah! awesome! it's so bloody addictive i really can play it all day.

then Wii Sports!!! tennis, baseball, boxing. oh man, boxing really kills my right arm! so does tennis.

so yeah. arms trembling all over, worked up a good sweat.

and all in good fun.

so yeah. any surprise that i favour Wii over other game consoles?

ahh. so.

now gonna cool down for a bit, then take a quick shower. then try to sleep before waking up for the europa league clash vs napoli.

home~

2010-11-04T12:05:00.000+08:00

where does your mind turn to when you hear the word?

to some people it's a place, others (no doubt influenced by one too many romance stories) think of certain people.

i'm not quite sure where i fit in.

i'm not even entirely sure where 'home' is.

why?

for now, it feels like the house in bukit beruntung feels like home. but for the space of one year, i felt like Flat 2, 3 Bridewell Lane felt more like home.

Maybe home is the place where i've left my mark. The place where there's more of my touch than anywhere else. By that, I guess home is where my books/cds/dvds are. sounds a bit shallow, but no less true, i guess.

Before I took it upon myself to make sure the things that are left in my room are only things that I want, my room here doesn't feel much like home to me. i didn't like the furniture (still don't, sometimes), didn't like how it was arranged. feels much better now that i've done it myself.

so i guess... my home right now is my room. exactly that. it's once i stepped past the door to my bedroom.

but a house does not transform into a home all on its own, for sure.

so i guess while a home is a place, a home only becomes a home because of people.

.........

and all these talk is making me head spin in circles.

let's just say that while i like the freedom i have to go out in melaka, i might just still prefer sitting in my room at home. guess that can be a bit infuriating, especially for me mom. seriously. i mean, 2 hour drive that costs about rm50 one way just to shut myself up in the room? heh. might as well stay in a hotel, huh?

anyway.

yeah.

in my room, feeling all the comfort right now.

and the folks just left this morning for kampung. so i pretty much have the house all to myself =)

forgot to mention in the last post that on that day, my phone finally picked up damage from being accidentally dropped on a tiled floor.

it now has a horizontal 'hairline fracture' across the screen. too bad there's no way to put it in a cast and see it heal. let's see how long it can hang on. should be helped by this new pouch thingy i knitted.

and i just felt like being colourful. and since i've got an abundance of black, blue, green, and other deeper colours, went for lighter shades (i.e. girly! haha).

and look! it even has those small tinkling bells on it!

DAISO is SUCH an awesome shop, i swear.

what else? for some reason i've been reading autobiographies. started with ian rush, then on to king kenny, just finished on john aldridge and now progressing nicely through phil thompson's.

it's just... they're just.. i don't know. interesting, for sure. i guess it feels like i can relate to them. i mean, before i started reading gerrard's, i'd never touch an autobiography with a ten-foot pole! and while i'm still struggling through yehudi menuhin's i've brezzed through aldo's in just 2-3 days.

i think the reason for it is Liverpool FC. because all these people are tied together by an... entity, that's larger than the players, larger than the fans even. reading through gerrard's, carra's, torres's, rushie's, kenny's, aldo's and now thommo's, there's a common thread there. as if there's a... continuity between all of them.

but yeah. so i've been enjoying their stories. and, looking at things from his eyes makes me respect this guy even more:

obviously, even before this i already know who kenny dalglish is. any liverpool fan worth his salt should! but reading this gives an insight to his character. and made me think... you know, he's not that far off from rafa benitez. i can see some similarities there where it matters.

and made me think... yeah, you know, him managing us again might not be all that bad of an idea. maybe it's a risk worth taking.

of course, before this i was worried that if anything goes wrong under dalglish, something that pushes him off the pedestal for us, then it's essentially the same as having a king assassinated. because kenny dalglish is without a doubt the king and he is practially an icon for liverpool. and if anything happens to tarnish that image, liverpool will be left with lesser characters. no offense to all the other greats, of course, but you just can't beat the king.

with liverpool's situation still precarious, the team seemingly lost any semblence of pride, losing the king will be the death toll for sure.

but maybe, just maybe, it's a risk worth taking.

then again, it's up to the owners. and up to that new director of football dude comolli to ponder. in any case, Liverpool FC is a living, growing entity, and it IS bigger than the sum of its parts, let alone individual parts. and as much as it hurts, i'll still be sitting in front of the telly for every match i can.

heh.

masochist.

ANYWAY!

ehh...

methinks me'll go have a shower. then have a peek at the new Wii next door. then go photostat and print. then go atm. then go lunch. then.... that's it kot.

hmm.

have the first 2 episodes of Freeter, Ie wo Kau on download. REALLY looking forward to it!

is it just me or does anyone else realize~ for the past few dramas starring arashi members, the other member that has a special appearance stars in the next drama.

let's see...

Maou - Nino - Ryusei

Uta no Onii-san - Sho - The Quiz Show II

My Girl - Sho - Tokujo Kabachi - Ohno - Kaibutsu-kun - Jun - NatsuNiji - Nino - Freeter

eh. i pay too much attention to these people. hehe.

so yeah.

that's the only reason why i'm back here, really. i've got tons of stuff to DL.

ehehe. no, not really.

it's also because i can photostat and print things at a really low price.

2010-10-31T15:59:00.000+08:00

it's been more than a week since i was last on here... what's new?

eh..

went to rahman's annual dinner on friday. never thought i'd go to one of those ever again. but yeah, i did.
i mean, free food now that i'm having to pay my own way? i'm in!
well.. at the price of a parking fee. but at rm5, it was so totally worth it.
unlike a lot of the hotel food out there, equatorial's stuff are just delicious. seriously.
although it was just a tad awkward sitting at the VIP table with my old teachers and the principal. and having to go on stage and give away prizes.
GIVE AWAY prizes?
that used to be me holding the tray and handing them to the guests of honour who were doing the giving away!

well.. yeah.

then last night, was talentime. i mean, even before going i've already lowered my expectations, but it was still heartbreaking to see the HUGE gap between talentime now and say.. 10 years ago. let alone between now and 7 years ago. it used to be THE event of the year and now it's just.... an... extra? event that might as well be scrapped off the calendar with the amount of preparation and thought put into it (not a lot).

so yeah. it's been two late nights in a row and i'm looking forward to a night in tonight.
at old town right now getting my breakfast/lunch/dinner. and wifi-ing of course.

my food's here. took the opportunity to try the steamed rice, which has a 20 minute wait. might as well, right, since i'm here for the internet.

anyway.

will start work at a new place probably tomorrow. but i've made myself available to them from monday to wednesday in any case. so yay! added income. though more headache~ =P

well. steamed rice with mushroom and chicken looking too tempting for me to ignore it for long. but before i sign off for now...

初めてのことじゃないよ
あなたと私の心がつながってるから！

hehe.

thank technology for free wifi!

2010-10-22T12:53:00.000+08:00

yesterday was awesome personified.

woke up at 6, left bukit beruntung just before 7, got to mmu at 9 to pick up jess, had breakfast, went to kolej.

popped into studio, then to principal's office, chatted for more than 1 hour.

adjourned to great hall, and looked on as MPO Violist Daniel Trgina conducted a masterclass for the violin 1 & 2 orchestra members.

had a chat with daniel aferwards, totally inspiring.

don't think i've written this here before, but i've been intrigued by the viola for quite some time.

end of 2001 to be precise, when i attended this music camp at a'famosa resort.

but yeah. was already playing violin, and it's not like there's anyone teaching viola in kolej. but i've always meant to pick it up some time.

in fact, it was only a few weeks ago that i asked city music how much can i get a viola for. they said about rm500. that put a bit of a damper, i thought okay, i'll wait to get the money and probably by mid of next year i'll get one.

now, i'm thinking that i want to get it as soon as possible, and i'll pay in installments if needed.

yeah, he was THAT inspiring.

after the class ended, lepaked in studio a bit before going for lunch in the dining hall which was surprisingly nasi ayam. then went back to popo's changed, and drove around melaka with jess.

back in kolej by 8 pm for the chamber group performance.

watching one player was already inspiring enough. watching 8 of them?

mind-blowing. and because it's a chamber performance, it does feel more intimate compared to a full orchestra.

awesome night.
awesome day.
awesome people.

and daniel invited me to kuantan dec 13-16 for a workshop that they're conducting there.

hmm...

do i know anyone in kuantan where i can put up a few nights?

transport is settled~

liberating

2010-10-20T18:59:00.000+08:00

it's easy to go around in melaka because the roads are mostly familiar to me.

going out to mutiara damansara seemed more of a challenge. but, after pondering for about an hour this morning, i finally decided to just go.

so i went. with only a vague sense of direction.

but i got there. =)

and walked around. window shopped. and shopped. and watched movie.

the other guys.

hilarious, really. especially if you pay attention to what's going on in the world, with mentions of ENRON and whatnot.

then walked around metrojaya. and padini. and got a few necklaces and earrings, with the aim to wear tomorrow.

=)

and DAISO!

seriously. i thought daiso dataran pahlawan was good enough.

DAISO THE CURVE?

beyond awesome.

seriously. i don't think i need to go anywhere else once i step into that store!

hehe.

i think i've found the key for me to enjoy shopping.

go shop alone!

in this case, i go contrary to the general shopping advice. some newspaper column mentioned that one should never go shopping with friends as they often influence a person to buy unnecessary things.

i think i buy more unnecessary things when i shop alone!

heh.

okay. maybe not unnecessary. more like... non-essential stuff.

but yeah.

a day out alone.
awesome.
a day out from the house.
fantastic.
a day without bad feelings to fester.
great.

=)

2010-10-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

just had a thought.

keeping a journal, writing down every little detail of life..

i think it was created just for people like me.

people who, really, dumps memories that are not useful somewhere at the darkest recesses of her mind.

why do i say that?

yeah. funny thing.

papers are fragile thing, and i just thought that i want to keep a softcopy of my 2004 journal online. so i've been typing it out. and i came across an entry that reminded me of something. a simple word that came at just the right time from the oddest person.

it's not something i consciously remember, but reading about it, i could somehow summon up the image of how it happened.

and it brought a smile to my face.
incidentally, the word he said was 'smile'. when i was in 'a foul mood'.
and i did.

it's nothing i remember. but i was smart enough to write it down so i can look at it later. on days like this~

so yeah. maybe i should start again.

but then, where will you be, blogspot?

hehe.

anyone curious about this journal? heheh. too bad. you're not getting a peek!

keting!

2010-10-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

what does that sound like to you?

maybe...

a cash register?

spoon on champagne-filled glass just before a toast?

a shilling hitting the floor?

well, for now, it sounds to me like the sound of my face breaking into a smile.

ah.. the blessings of having good brothers.

if i wrote this post two hours earlier, it would have been filled with negativity and no less anger. and with many a sentence that i might want to take back on another day. in fact, i'm still somewhat seething. just not enough to want to write it here.

but thankfully, i didn't, and forced meself to wait longer before i came to this site.

so now it's more happy thoughts than anything else.

except, of course, for the fact that i'm writing here at all. when really, i should probably be at stadium bukit jalil.

now, malaysian fans, PLEASE don't disgrace yourselves and give them a HUGE welcome so that they'll be back!

heads will roll if they never come back to malaysia because the crowd wasn't enthusiastic enough.

heh.

anyway.

thinking what to do tomorrow. really quite keen to go out. seriously. so... cineleisure, i guess?

2010-10-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

yay! new owners!

or really, more like yay, old owners gone.

either way, we'll just look and see. and watch football in the meantime. though really, after that match yesterday, i'm left wondering if it isn't better for me to switch over to rugby. shouldn't be much of a problem. already have a team to cheer for!

but yeah. anyway.

so what else is new?

ehh.. nothing much really.

2010-10-13T17:30:00.000+08:00

watching bbc in hopes that they'll take a break from chile and show something from england.

i.e. the court case involving liverpool. i think we really don't care whose hands we'll fall into as long as it's not back in hicks-gillet's!

but yeah.

so. watching telly. crossed the road to MP earlier to search for lunch. but somehow ended up in a cd shop that i suspect is the very one that bahiyah frequents.. and got me some.

heh.

well, it's about time i'm up-to-date with my incubus collection with monuments and melodies. can't wait for the next time i'm in my car and listening to these new acquisitions.

but really, haven't got anything in particular to write about lately. i do love what i'm doing, but it's a bit repetitive, and more importantly, i don't want to talk about it in too much detail because, well, i just feel like there should be a sense of... privacy? around the classes.

but yeah.

my downloads are finishing, so i'm satisfied with this week's internet catch. =)

and oh, earlier was watching NHK and was intrigued by a band called SCANDAL. and learned that fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood has a theme by them. pretty cool.

SCANDAL - Shunkan Sentimental

2010-10-13T12:31:00.000+08:00

sitting in a room on the 7th floor of holiday inn melaka overlooking the straits of malacca.

hmm..

well, for one, it means that i'm on the net. and the other thing i discovered is that there's free wireless from the Arena on The Jetty.

which means =)

i'm really just happy to be using the laptop without thinking about electricity bill. and taking long showers without worrying about the water bill.

hehe.

plan for the day

2010-10-09T10:43:00.000+08:00

wash car.

load things into the car.

take a shower.

start driving.

go back grandma's.

go tesco for clear folder, and see if there's a place to make key copies. and photocopies.

go back to grandma's and plan for sunday's lessons.

=)

2010-10-06T21:35:00.000+08:00

so.

the big news now is of course, the sale of Liverpool FC.
and though i can't wait for the day the dastardly duo are out from my club, there's been one too many false dawns already, so we'll wait and see for the confirmation of the sale, and whether the new owner will prove to be hopefully better and not worse.

though it's really difficult to imagine anyone worse than those deceitful duo.

anyway.

apparently, when it comes to cars, i can't do things by halves.
see, got it on friday, went back, rush-packed for about 1 hour, and then straight to melaka.
then the next day straight driving alone.
and yesterday was the first time i've driven in the rain, ever, and whaddya know? it just had to be a super heavy rain.

so yeah.

but, i must say that i really prefer to be the only person in the car. so, i can see the appeal of driving alone instead of carpooling. basically, i just feel more secure, confident when i'm alone in the car. maybe part of it stems form the fact that should anything happen, there's no passengers for me to guilt over.

maybe.

mostly, i think that i'm just more calm when i'm alone. and yeah, i can play whatever cd i want, sing however loud i want.

heh.

so yeah.

i can see how a driver's license means a lot to women in general, especially in the older days. and well, in some parts of the world even now. it gives us freedom.

it's liberating.

hmm.. what else?

moved the bookcase out of my room. because a gap developed between the floor and wall. seriously. this house has more defects that the millennium falcon. ugh.

on the bright side, without the huge dark wooden bookcase, my room looks a lot... brighter!

=)

so yeah.

ok la kot.

umm... what else? nothing i can think of now. huh.

til next time!

say thank you...

2010-10-01T04:18:00.000+08:00

to nescafe for me being up still at 4am.

not.

ugh.

considering the insipid showing against utrecht, i'm not even sure that it was worth it. drinking coffee to stay up. because now it's been more than an hour since the match ended and i'm still up.

not for the lack of want.
really, i do want to sleep.

my eyelids just disagree at the moment and insists on keeping my eyes open.

you know the feeling. i know you do. especially if you're caffeine dependent unlike myself.

*yes, that was said with a sense of superiority* =P

oh well.
i'm giving me until 4.30.
hope to be sound asleep by then.

but really.

in kuching, we had a satellite dish provided by the owner of the house we rented. there was this period of time when i'd spend the afternoons watching high school basketball from either china or taiwan, i guess.

and that match reminded me of it.

the basketball matches were interesting, not because they were at par with NBA, but more because the teams are... equals?

equally normal, that is.
no boring matches for sure. possession changing back and forth, loads of chances created, but not loads of points.

like... a... competitive friendly where the results don't matter.

that's one way to look at it.

another.. i'm thinking maybe there IS trouble in the dressing room. frustration, surely. but it just seems to me as if... it's just sheer will that's putting the players on the pitch. probably with a touch of pride. and maybe anger.

they're not indifferent. just... dejected. oh, like maybe the captain of a sinking ship trying to keep everything together but knowing the futility of his efforts.

but i must say...
i'm a bit perplexed over why maxi and dagger hardly starts matches.

oh well. whatever. if hodgson was brought in to 'steady the ship', that's fine.

as long as it's not to steady the ship so that it sinks at a controlled, slow rate instead of suddenly.

harrumph.

2010-09-30T10:47:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i was that angry. in fact, if i was writing a post when i was in that mood, it would definitely have been labelled 'incensed'.

but i didn't, not publicly anyway, and i've calmed down somewhat, thanks to shukudai-kun.

there wasn't any casualties during the rage fit. because it was just wood stuff.

but yeah.

i don't know if this is releasing or repressing. all that matters is it works

2010-09-29T22:52:00.000+08:00

eh. we're human beings. we like to gripe.

okay. i like to gripe.

though it's not like i've got nothing to gripe about, what with the whole perodua thing...

i'm just finding myself with a strange reluctance to complain. and grumble. and rant.

it's possible that i'm just tired. of it, of life.

or maybe i've lost that griping feeling. =P

well, i lose passion for things from time to time. it's just. my attention span has been horrendous.

ok. not like it's nothing new.

but i'm just finding it hard to adjust. want to knit, but stopped after two lines.

want to watch videos but need to do something else.

want to read but can't read past two pages.

want to listen to songs, but keep skipping them to find something i like.

want to play games but changes games every 5 minutes.

suggestions?

i'm not suffering it work-wise, though. there's things to read up, scores to photocopy and look through, decisions on how to approach the kids.

the really good news is that starting next week i'll have 15 students already!

so yeah, i'm happy with that.

but though i'm perfectly fine once i put on the teaching mask, it doesn't have much effect on my everyday life mask. they're as tedious as ever.

though, tomorrow and day after looks to be good days because i'll be lording over the house~ =)

although, definitely not gonna make the mistake of being truthful about what i do at home.

seriously. i say i'm watching robin hood because that was what i was doing, though i only watched one episode, and that statement's turned back on me as if i did nothing but watch robin hood.

i thought that it's better than me going out and... rempiting for instance.

but hey, who am i to aspire to being a mat rempit. apparently i'm worse than mat rempits, because they at least work hard to excel at rempit-ing while i have absolutely no goals.

....

ok. that just made me realize something. it's not that i've got nothing to gripe about. i've just been tamping it down. and they're proving to be a bit obstinate and refuses to be placated, and so they sorta leaked onto this post.

i'll work harder to keep them in check.

but i guess that's exactly the point. to keep them in check, i just stopped writing altogether. so. repression = no posts. that's not bad, now, is it?

you wouldn't need to read the negativity, i get to demonstrate how aimless my life is by not even having anything to say!

Non-Tag, Raise your hands!

2010-09-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Honjitsu, Mijukumono - TOKIO
Today, the immature ...

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Moon on the Water - Tanaka Koyuki
You are there smiling in my arms for all those years

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Getaran Jiwa - KRU

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Houseki wo Chiribamete - Kinki Kids
Studded with gems

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wake Up Call - Maroon 5
...avenging woman?

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Jetcoaster Romance - Kinki Kids

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
I Will - Kinki Kids

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Let the Flames Begin - Paramore
I can't let myself regret such selfishness

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For

WHAT IS 2+2?
Freak - Silverchair

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Music of Life - Kinki Kids

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Spiral - Arashi
upwards or downwards?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Let the Flames Begin - Paramore
somewhere weaknesses are strength and i'll die searching for it

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
All My Loving - The Beatles

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Cold December - Matt Costa
...a break up song.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Auto Pilot - Queens of the Stone Age
yup, fly away and ride away with me into death

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Hispanic Impressions - Queens of the Stone Age
since this is an instrumental...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Paper Shoes - Incubus
you're about as reliable as paper shoes in bad weather

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Walking in the Rain (Remix) - Ohno Satoshi
...I'm left alone on the street as a rainbow forms on a summer afternoon?

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Emotionless - Good Charlotte
...me or them? more inclined to think it's the former.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS?
Te Agero - Arashi
hands up!

2010-09-27T14:16:00.001+08:00

i'm putting a censor on my mouth so that i won't speak to you on anything that i even remotely feel like i can grow to like. i'll not talk about movies, books, music, anything. questions will be answered with 'fine' so that any problems encountered or humourous situations that has risen will not pass through my lips to your ears. because they might trigger something which frankly, i don't care much for.

you push me away with every word you speak.
and you wonder why i don't think of anyone bu me.

there's no room for me to speak when you start speaking.
and after trying to speak several times, i just realize that it's futile trying to tell you what i think.
coz you're only capable of thinking in your own way and can't grasp that my way oft hinking is just differen tfrom yours. plain and simple.

and that oh.i'm already so used to blocking your words out.

one thing for sure, i'll not speak frankly to you again.

frankly, there's no point.

of viva and yoda

2010-09-27T00:06:00.000+08:00

eh.

tired.

got back home nearing 10pm, i think.

and when i call perodua tomorrow, someone's going to be on the end of a good talking to.
seriously.

i needed a car LAST MONTH.

now i'm having to rely on people to drive me around and on buses that aren't on schedule and rotten ktm services.

and of course, staying at grandma's with no escape route is just asking for trouble.

'cause she's already senile and doesn't know what she's saying. and it takes a lot of patience to deal with it. which i don't normally have even under the best circumstances. so, yeah. basically used up the patience i've reserved for daily life on her. any more and i'd have to tap into the patience i've set aside for students.

so yeah.

I. NEED. THAT. CAR.

on the bright side...
i'm already home
=)
and by the time i was telling my mom the story about her mom, i was in a good enough mood.
then i called someone else and told that person the story for the second time.

and if i'm not too sleepy i'll be finding someone else to tell yet again.

but i am. sleepy.

so i'll leave it be.

and i'll just go to sleep with a smile on my face~

2010-09-23T05:59:00.000+08:00

eck.

i'll need sleeping pills soon.

heh.

have been up since 2.45, as has been usual lately, only this time i've stayed awake.
don't know when i'll go back to sleep.
so now i'm functioning on 3 hours worth of sleep and still am not sleepy.

though from the sentences i've made, i think my mental faculties have been somewhat impaired.

and while i couldn't sleep, decided to keep myself abreast on the carling cup game.

really, it's a shame that it's not televised.

the second half seemed like a cracker of a game. extra time as well.
and it's a first goal for jovanovich.

but yeah. we're officially kicked out from carling cup.

anyone say sigh?

i just really want to have a look at the match and see how the youngsters played. if there's anyone we can depend on in the future.

oh well.

since i was afraid that when i do go to sleep, i won't be waking up for any reason until i'm good and ready, i took out the trash just now. and looked at the moon.

the mooncake festival full moon.

if rainy days are my own, for my own pleasure.. nights with clear skies and visible moon are a shared memory. i remember the carpark in 2004 when we decided to celebrate mooncake festival, just a few of us. that was fun. that was one memory. though there are others, less easy to articulate.

anyway.

while the sun is magnificent, the moon is... elegant. and constantly accompanied by her handmaiden venus.

they both shined bright just now, their last moments before the sun outshines them all.

nights like these makes it absolutely clear why i prefer night over day~

2010-09-22T22:06:00.001+08:00

maybe, just maybe, the cure for melancholy for me is to be home alone for a bit.

or maybe i've got my dancing and singing boys to thank.

heh. but yeah.

i'm changing the header.
a bit of it for me, but a lot of it for someone else.

to remind that person that, yeah, believing is truly everything.

would make more sense if the person actually knows the song that i refer to, but awh, whatever.

so yeah.

feeling quite good today.

(^^,)

ありがとう、

大野智

櫻井翔

相葉雅紀

二宮和也

松本潤

2010-09-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

我刚刚想起他，電話が・・
原来今晚我们两位都在想心事

我明白你伤心
今あなたが色々のことを分からなくて、悩んでて
でも、
有些事情我不能不说
有些事情你现在不明白我也一定告诉你
有一些事情我一定说
あなたを悲しみさせても、怒りさせても
ごめんね

可是今天我再一次想到
有时我们真的是
赤い糸を繋がってるんだ
だって
想起你，すぐあなたの声を聞いて
それは奇跡じゃないの？

nandemokondemo

私はここに一人でがんばります
あなたもあそこでがんばってね

no matter what happens
i've got your back

2010-09-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

あいかわらず雨の日に
涙が雨と落ちた

今日やっときずいた
本当は悲しいよ
この心
ハッピネスが知らないの心
変だな

だって
理由がない、この悲しさ

理由がない

いや、あるかもしれません

思い出せなかっただけ

Now THAT is class!

2010-09-17T22:25:00.000+08:00

two things, actually.

the first one comes with a video:

i can watch that over and over and over again. it really was a fantastic shot!

i've been frustrated with lucas in the past, which i'm not taking back, but i've been appreciating him more since he had his hair cut a few seasons back. really made me think that it was his hair that's been bringing him down.

but seriously, he works hard. and i don't think i've had a bad word to say about him all of last season.

seriously. a shot that gerrard would have been proud of. and he WAS proud of that shot, if i understood the expression of his face correctly. almost looked like 'well done, my young padawan'.

(^^,)

and roy hodgson almost looked like he couldn't believe that this kid can do such a thing. neither did sammy lee. i loved how he jumped up and practically disappeared from the camera celebrating that goal!

so yeah.

that goal is absolute class.

another person who's exhibited class?

who else but xabi alonso!

and it's not on the pitch, in his footballing ability, but purely him.

16 hours ago, he tweeted:

Well done Reds!!

now tell me is that class or is that class??

told you his he left a part of his heart on Merseyside!

i could've melt when i read that~

bet he was at home, resting after their champions league match and wanted to watch his former teammates play~

ah well.

the wonders of twitter.

makes me want to learn spanish so that i can follow arbeloa's tweets better~

(^^,)

2010-09-15T17:34:00.001+08:00

watched ghosts of girlfriends past.

and cried.

of course.

then realized that i haven't watched any new chick flicks.

hmm... need to do something to remedy situation~

eh..

2010-09-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

raya was... raya.

a bit tiring, i'd take that pleasant ache in my limbs accompanied with rest in my own bed over the tedious tradition of going from house to house visiting relatives before sleeping somewhere other than my bed.

and that doesn't even include the ridiculous amount of time needed to go to kampung.

seriously. second day of raya, left home about 8.30 am. arrived in the area we want to be about 8 p.m. and actually got to the final destination about 11-ish i think. seriously. minus the 1 half hours rest or so somewhere in the middle, that's about 10 hours worth of sitting in the car.

and coming back is no better. left bout 2.30pm, got back just before midnight, i think.

absolutely ridiculous.

but whatever.

yeah. raya has never been a day that i'm.... emotionally attached to.

so it's really just another day.
or it used to be just another day when i was at liberty to just ignore it. and think of it as a day when i CANNOT fast after a month's compulsory fast.

which, really, i can't do here in malaysia.
instead, it became..

a day when we invite friends and family over for some food which we'd have spent the past 2 days preparing. and a day of marathon. dish washing and whatnot.

yeah.. i guess that's what raya is to me.

anyway.

last week was busy with cookie making and bawang potong-ing and whatnot. then straight after our raya do, it's travelling back to kampung. just got back yesterday. planned today as a lazy day before i start practising tomorrow.

only to find that tomorrow i'll be going out to hunt down some perodua people. and thursday will be the day to go visit relatives in kl. and friday already planning to go back to melaka.

eh. where did all my time go?
so yeah.

and i also found today that, other than a slight twinge of annoyance, i'm really more.. resigned than anything else.
blergh.

you stink.
i stink.
fool me once, fool me twice
i take you on a dance, you take me on a ride

eh.. what am i talking about again?
what else is new?

erm... whatever la.

well, waddya know~

2010-09-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

it's just one of those days when everything's hunky dory.

finally did laundry today.
made another type of biscuit.
got around to clearing up another part of my room, now there's only under the bed and old unwanted clothes left to clear! then can start scrubbing out the bathroom~
while clearing out the cupboard thing, found a framed advo 0004 photo~
cleaned my faux-bronze (actually bronzed painted clay) girl on the moon.
made garlic bread, the finest chopped garlic yet!
and of course, had a fantastic start this morning~ =)

eh.. yeah, it's a good day.

and it'll be even better tomorrow when taiko comes back!!!!!!
(^^,)

BIG SMILE, EVERYONE!!!

2010-09-07T09:54:00.000+08:00

so! yesterday!

seriously, MPO players are of another class altogether.

i never really realized how much my playing has degenerated until yesterday!

i expected that she'll ask me to play and then we'll talk a bit and that's it. probably be done by 6-ish.

but after i played, she pointed out the things i'd have to work on and we got started straight away. like, really concentrated, focusing on each phrase. and by 7pm, we've only gone through the first 8 bars or so.

and i've already learned a lot.

the thing is, as she doesn't believe in the exam system, she will not register me for exams unless she's satisfied. and since i've already started teaching in melaka, i don't think my situation is so very dire. i think i can take my time to get the cert. because i actually agree with her. i want to really develop as a player, and not just get that cert.

i have so much to learn, and she has so much to teach.

and, like i said, MPO players are of a different class. and at RM50 per 30 minutes, i think it's a bargain.

even though *someone* would prefer me to get a cert as fast as possible, i'll go for it.

she's a violin player and she gives suggestions on how to play that i understand and can apply. and she encourages me to think about the meaning behind every note.

so. full speed ahead!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i got my first phone call from china this morning!
hence, the smiles~
granted, it was at the ungodly hour of 4.41am, but hey, something's always better than nothing~

it's just.. normally, the smiles will be gone soon after i step out of my room, so i'm prolonging it as much as i can.

but hey, take the smiles and keep it in a safe place, right, and take it out when i need it~

2010-09-07T05:20:00.000+08:00

woke up in the best way possible! slightly earlier than i would have liked to, but worth ever minute of it~

and, not wanting to give up this feeling just yet, i don't plan to sleep soon.
and i don't plan to go out from this room a second before the time i've set for myself.

love,
me

(^^,)

2010-09-06T22:07:00.000+08:00

怖いよ。自分を傷つけたい。

scalded my fingers just now. and let it be.

will you wait til tomorrow for a more upbeat account?
as usual la, any good feeling got extinguished after coming back home.
i just need a good sleep to be able to give a truer account~

but until then, let me just say.

好想念你。
如果你有在我刚才已经打你一个电话。
和你 complain。。然后你就会骂我。
就好象以前一样
可是，我不能一直靠你

you know the bad thing about memories?

everywhere you go, there's something that reminds you of those memories.

2010-09-06T05:37:00.000+08:00

tired of going out.
but go out i must.

seriously. thursday, out since 7 am.
saturday, to melaka at 10am.
sunday nightmare, out since 8am.
today, will be out at 6.30am.

i just want to sleep undisturbed.
by the necessity of going out in the morning.
by nightmares.

meh.

maybe i'll sleep at 9pm tonight.
huh.

of the weekend, a bad dream, and carra's testimonial match

2010-09-05T21:31:00.001+08:00

the weekend~
so far i've got 10 students age ranging from adorable 5 to awkward 15.
5 on saturday, 5 today.

without giving any details, let me just say that it was enjoyable.
most of them were eager to learn, and of course, i'm more than willing to impart whatever i can.
there's still the question of balance, of course.
how much is too much info in one sitting? how firm or how lenient?
but i'm thinking that will sort itself out somehow.

mostly, i have my work cut out for me in terms of posture and technique.
so, that will be a lifetime's work!

anyway.

yeah, the first weekend of work was good. and hence, i'm happy.

today didn't start off all that well at first, though.

i had a... i guess you can call it a nightmare.

the details.. as usual, elude me, especially because i couldn't type it out as soon as i woke up from it, but here's what i gathered.

not quite sure what the setting was. the people were mostly from kys, but it had a uni-like feel, and the orange bus made an appearance, although the seats were configured somewhat differently.

the background? in the beginning there was me and daeng, close la, like usual. then there was this other kid. and start spending time with him as well la. and daeng jealous, though i told him it's ridiculous la to be jealous. but he said that it's not really jealous, more like.. the kid, he wants more from me. like... i don't realize it, but the kid is looking for more than just being my honorary brother. i didn't listen to him, like i normally don't when he starts showing just a bit of possessiveness (normally i exacerbate it on purpose just to be mean). and so, our relationship was broken and he hung out with other people.

then some big incident happened that somehow involved me, and this unnamed kid got into trouble while defending me from some slander, i guess. he must have been a troublemaker in school or something, because as a result of his actions while defending me, he had to face the disciplinarian expecting an extremely heavy punishment. probably being expelled. but it wasn't clear, just, we all knew that it was something serious.

because the guys who were supposed to bring this kid to the disciplinarian were kinda rough on him, i offered to bring him. also because i wanted to talk to him. while on the way there (looked like some 4-storey sekolah menegah building), i asked him why. why did he do what he did?

and he looked up at me, eyes earnest, almost pulling me in and replied 'do you not know?'

and at that moment i knew. he did that because he loved me.
i was then swept in a maelstrom of emotion. part glad, because he saved me from something, part happy, because i was loved, but mostly sad. because he practically sacrificed himself for me, and at the same time, i won't ever be able to return what he feels. and looking at him, he knows that it's hopeless for him. and i just wanted to hug him, hold me to comfort him, if only for a bit. but i didn't.

when we got to the disciplinarian's room, for some reason syed roslan was there, smirking. as if he's a cop that's long been on a crook's tail who managed to evade him time and time again, and finally caught. left the kid there, and the disciplinarian chased everyone out. i went back to the classroom (?) in a dazed and walked to the bus stop. which looked like bath uni's bus stand. the orange bus was there, got in, no single seats left except near aina faten, went and sit there. she asked me how was my day. apparently she's one of the few who didn't know what happened. i sat down, and the seat was facing the side of the bus, so i was looking at the people who were sitting across the aisle. who happened to be daeng and syirin.

i looked above daeng's head and said 'bad. no, actually, horrible.'
then there's this image of nafa talking about something and me only lending half an ear, eyes filled with hurt and pain fixed on that spot above his head. seeing him stealing concerned glances every now and then, but he didn't say anything. and i remembered that he was right. he was right about the kid's feelings.

and it ended just like that.

somehow it felt like.. the bus didn't stop when the dream ended. it was still moving. so it felt like.. it will forever be that way. he'll look at me knowing i'm hurting but he won't ask. and that's how it will forever be.
and that one guy who loves me and i'll love back? he's appeared once, in a dream, but it doesn't feel like he'll appear any time soon.in the meantime, there'll be guys like the kid. whose heart i'll break. and in the meantime, without relying on anyone else, i'll be doing a fantastic job breaking my own heart. all by myself.

of course, i'm going to blame this on a couple of factors.
have been having a bit of a tiff towards daeng is one.
arash's refrain and it's talk of 'ano hi no bokutachi wa sunao ni narenakute' the us that day couldn't be honest with each other.
fukuyama masaharu's saiai 'tooku de mimamottete' i'll look over you from afar.
and usui takumi + sawada shin. for loving and protecting the girl while waiting patiently for her to come to her senses and reciprocate.

well, i guess this might be a good time to stop listening to japanese songs and watching japanese anime.
huh.

as if.

so yeah. when i woke up, i was still confused. part reeling back from the revelation of the kid's feelings, and pain. pure, unadulterated pain. pain for me, pain for him. and... i guess... despair? guilt? maybe. something like that. it was some time before i could be calm enough to go back to sleep. writing all this down i can almost feel the pain returning and my eyes have felt extremely... heavy for the whole day.

but well. i haven't developed the ability to influence my dreams yet, so i can't change anything about it. just... let it be, i guess.

and move on to more... material things. though no less emotional.

carra's testimonial match!! this is undoubtedly another occasion where i would have gone to anfield if i could. seriously. carra! the guy who's been playing for us for 15 years and counting.

since i couldn't go, and it wasn't televised, all i can do is read stuff on the main website~

the testimonial match was Liverpool XI vs Everton XI. liverpool's side made of former and current liverpool players as well as kids from the reserves and maybe academy. match ended 4-1 for Liverpool and carra scored one penalty for liverpool in the first half.

before somehow scoring another penalty for EVERTON in the second half. where he just stole a shot over yakubu.which normally would have been unthinkable. but since it's not a competitive match, and there won't be another chance at scoring FOR everton, he just took a shot. in his own words:

"As for the second penalty, I was a big Everton fan as a kid and always wanted to score a goal for them, so I've done that as well now and I was pleased with it."

typical carra.

liverpool echo also ran a two-parter about jamie carragher, which you can read here: Part 1 Part 2
as well as asking him to name his Liverpool Dream XI here.
the list made me extremely pleased, because.. a certain spanish player whose name starts with X is in it! (^^,)

but the big shocker for the game was.... dum dum DUM!!!
stevie g!

at an interview a few days before he said something like he would have loved to be involved in the testimonial, but international duties prevented it. at that point i was already cursing the international games (not that i need any added provocation) because it's just not right. stevie should be there!

and lo and behold, who should walk out of that tunnel in anfield but the man himself!

apparently, stevie flew back to merseyside after the game against bulgaria just for carra. had just a cameo appearance of 11 minutes before flying back to prepare for england's next game, but hey, it's the thought that counts.

i would be lying if i said that i expected him to do something like this, but... it's just so... so... SO SWEET!!!

awh. male friendship!! gets me every time~

(^^,)

here's what stevie had to say about it.

i personally can't wait for HIS testimonial. and i'm waiting to see if a certain mr alonso will be taking part!

anyway. it's been a long time since i had a post this long, but there's a lot of things to talk about all of a sudden.

i'm also looking forward to the start of the new american and bbc series season within the next few weeks. expect some comments on one tree hill, how i met your mother, csi: miami, merlin and spooks!

2010-09-05T19:08:00.001+08:00

Paramore - My Heart (The Final Riot Version)

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your heart

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

My heart is yours
It is yours

------------------------------------------------------------------------

easily one of the most beautiful live versions ever.
but i'm a bit biased.

although the rock version that's closer to the album is awesome as well,
this goes straight to the heart.

anyway.
nak mandi, then buka (watercress soup!!!!!!!!!)
and then if i'm up for it, i'll return with the weekend's experience~

2010-09-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

あなたは今日新たな道で歩く始まる
私は明日新たな道で歩く始まる

それぞれの道
別々な道

この状態でもあなたのこと信じてる
あなたは絶対この選んだ道で成功する
あなただからこそ成功する
最近、私はちょっと変わったごめんね
いろいろなことを考えた
いいことも悪いことも
まぁ、悪いことのほうがちょっと多いけど
でもあなたが大切な気持ちぜんぜん変わらない
ちょっと不満のとこあるけど、いつも通りあなたに信じる

確かに、あなた出発前にちゃんとなかなおしてなかった
一番の後悔したこと
この先二人の関係はどうなる事分からないけど
ひとつだけ永遠の事実
遠くからあなたを見守ってる

あなたも私を見守ってる欲しいな
でも、それは無理ならかまわない
あなたはプライドが高い人
よくしてる

じゃ、
北京でがんばってください！